Pondering...

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."
Luke 2:19

I've been doing a lot of treasuring and pondering over the last 48 hours.
My mom was admitted to the hospital 2 days ago with what we now know is sepsis.  She was very confused and could not speak clearly when we arrived at the ER.  We were almost certain that she was having a stroke.  Within 10 minutes of our arrival, she became a different person.  She became very combative, upset, and completely disoriented.  I went to the room she was in to check on her.  When I walked in, she did not acknowledge me.  She stared blankly past me as she flailed around in the bed.  It hit me immediately;  she didn't know who I was!  She didn't recognize me.
I can honestly say that that was the most painful moment of my life.

Fast forward 8 hours and she was finally admitted to the hospital.  Someone needed to stay the night with her to keep an eye on her.  I volunteered.  It was the longest night of my life...and the first time I've ever "pulled an all-nighter".  I didn't sleep a wink. Every few minutes (and I'm not at all exaggerating), she would pull at her IV or her gown or try to get out of the bed.  I would have to restrain her and keep her in the bed.  I think I fixed her gown and her covers no less than a gazillion times!

Sometime during that night....in the darkness...I laid hands on my precious mama and I began to pray.  I prayed for this woman who delivered me into this world....my best friend, my confidant, my biggest fan, my constant supporter and encourager.  I'm not sure how long I prayed, but Mom was quiet and still the entire time.  That was the only time all night that she was calm.  I didn't find myself pleading or arguing with God.  I asked questions.  What if she doesn't come back to us?  What if I never again see recognition in her eyes when she looks at me?
What if this was what the remainder of her life was going to be?
I felt an enormous peace come over me.
During that time, I felt in my heart God asking me, "Karen, do you trust me?"  It was time. Time to put into practice what I teach my babies. Time to practice what I teach my Sunday School students. Rubber meets the road time!
Then I felt it again.  "Karen, do you really trust me"?
Can I tell you something?  In that moment, with all of my heart and mind and soul, I completely trusted God and was at peace with whatever His will was.
Am I ready to lose my mom?  Of course not!  She's my mom!!  But, if His will was to call her home and get her out of her failing, infection-riddled body, then I was at peace with that.  I trust Him.  Her suffering was immense.  She was trapped.  She was miserable and scared.  She was in the dark.
She would NOT want to live that way.

When she was taken to Radiology for her second lumbar puncture, she was very agitated and scared. She had already been through so much and she was about to have to endure another horrible procedure.  In the waiting room, while it was being performed, I prayed without ceasing.  This time, I pleaded with God.  For Him to fill up that room.  For Him to comfort Mom.  For Him to guide the doctor's hands to exactly the right place to get her spinal fluid and for him to do it quickly.  For Him to keep her still.  When the Radiologist came out several minutes later, he told me she did great!  She hardly moved at all and she seemed to understand what was happening.  And that he got just the amount of fluid he needed...on the first try.

So....I find myself pondering the events of the past 48 hours.  I'm in awe and humbled by the outpouring of love and support for my family.  And by the countless prayers being lifted on our behalf.
We have felt them all and we are so thankful!

Our journey is far from over.  But, my amazing mom is back!  She is alive and we are rejoicing.

I won't share every detail, although I have shared a lot.  But some of the things that happened I am going to keep close to my heart and treasure them.

She is free.  No more restraints.  No more confusion.  No more darkness.

"My chains are gone.  I've been set free.
My God, my Saviour has ransomed me.
And like a flood His mercy rains.
Unending love.
Amazing grace."